humble yourself

I can't win, I can't reign. I will never be the same without you.

You're what I call the definition of a bestfriend. Yup, just like all of them. Fuck you guys. All of you.

If you can't be there for me, comfort me, be there when I need you.. Maybe someone else will. Yeah, I'm being optimistic. I don't need you. I have other people who'd do anything just to make me happy. Kthxbai you aren't needed.

What to do?

Can we really go on a break & mean it this time? Are we just together because it's "our one year"?

Thoughts.

I wish I had no commitments with relationships. I wish I never fell in love. I wish I wasn't so attached to him. I'm so tired of it all. I hate getting disappointed. I hate having high expectations. I hate being rejected. I wish I can end it all, but feel nothing towards it. I wish I was heartless. I wish I was the old me again. But I can't. Just because I can't have what I want doesn't mean I have to give up. Just because I was disappointed doesn't mean I'm always gonna be disappointed. Life happens to go by one day at a time and I don't even realize the good times. I have been really pissed recently just because I'm keeping my emotions bottled up. I just wanna cry all the time. I'm not happy anymore, and I don't even know why. I just wanna be happy again. I wanna actually smile about something that's real. I wanna feel excited. This isn't even me anymore. Why am I acting like I'm okay when I'm really not? Am I being fake? What's wrong with me? I don't even know. Am I hurting? I have this strong feeling in my throat, my heart is beating fast and I don't even know why. My life is just a blur right now. Even though there's good things happening, I don't even see it. I'm blind. Sometimes I even think what's the point of living? Am I just here to please people? Can I be selfish for once? Oh, I forgot.. I am selfish. I don't even know why I'm such a sensitive person. Why do I hurt so easily with words that are so simple but yet affect someone so much. I'm pissed. I'm discourage. I need an intervention. I need someone new in my life. It sucks cuz I can't do anything about it. I'm just gonna be this generally sad person with no hope in her life. What to do? Just kill me now please, somebody?

Suicide

Recently, I just kinda witnessed a suicide attempt from a church friend. I never knew that it was serious until today from when I visited her at the hospital. Police were gathered keeping a close eye on her in case she attempted to do it again. I can't even imagine the pressure she went through just being surrounded with so many people. I'd be so embarrassed. But honestly, I'll admit that I thought about suicide before. It's a tough decision but if you're confident enough, and you have no fear you can actually do it. I've been through a lot over the years, and I just feel as if my situation gets harder and harder each time. But I always have the one particular thing always holding me back from what I want to do. Its hard, it really is. I just pray that she'll get better. Also, for her family as well. I know how Nicole feels, I've been there. I kinda want to reach out to her but I don't know if I can open up.

I dont even deserve to live right now.

Why am I acting like this? I don't deserve anyone. I don't even deserve anyone else's love. I'm selfish, I'm rude and I'm being inconsiderate to others feelings. Why do I even bother to breathe anymore. There's too much pressure, commitments, stress I have to go through everyday. Its not even that easy anymore. I really think that I'm depressed and if you can't see that, or acknowledge that I've been feeling uneasy lately then I'm sorry, you don't really know me or you're just that stupid. I can't handle this extra baggage that I'm carrying around. As I'm holding it, it gets heavier and heavier. I wish I was was dead.